I’ve lived in Chicago exactly one year. That’s 12 months. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. (which doesn’t really sound like many minutes …)

Although I’ve become a semi-savvy CTA user, a bike rider, an amateur (experimental and not that good) cook, a new restaurant obsessor, a microbrew freak, a recycler, a traffic connoisseur, a local volunteer, a Tony’s shopper, an amazon lover, a neglector of loud city sounds (well … I have developed an ambivalence for noise pollution I suppose … as ambulance #4 rolls by my windows whilst I type) … I’ve still been unable to shake my destiny for lifelong nerdism.

No matter what I do or where I go in this city, I consistently feel like the queen of dorks. I will say that I’ve never lacked confidence (see running blog post … i.e. trying out for the pom-pom squad as a chubby adolescent with two left feet), but living here definitely transformed my “medium-sized crustacean in a friendly and surprisingly talented puddle” mentality to “single-celled organism in a vast body of glorious superstar water” mindset.

Let me provide a few examples.

1. Not only is my bike a rather-upright and comfortable contraption (unlike the “cool” road bike models prevalent in my neighborhood), my helmet resembles an empty fish bowl that sits 2 inches too high on my think-tank … making my head appear large enough to host its own weather system(s).

2. I have homemade bangs (I haven’t found a reasonable beauty-parlor nearby yet … and my kitchen scissors are the next best thing). Sometimes, right after I give my bangs a nice choparooski, I slightly resemble Georgie Porgie (puddin’ pie) or that dude who stuck his thumb in a pie. Either way, I look like someone with something to do with a pie and ABCs… an unfortunate nerd who should be constantly reciting nursery rhymes whilst eating cherry filling.

2a. I say “beauty parlor”

3. I like bad 80s movies and sometimes feel that I would rather watch them than the indie/foreign flicks with oodles of awards and thumbs-ups. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy quality films too … but sometimes I just want to be entertained. Sometimes I crave big hair, keyboards, The Cars, crummy sound tracks that never exit the brain and jokes that don’t need to include bodily noises/sexual references to be hilarious. Examples: Overboard, Earth Girls Are Easy, Troop Beverly Hills, High Spirits, Big Trouble In Little China, UHF, Big Business, Short Circuit, The Last Unicorn, Drop Dead Fred … I could go on forever…

4. I wear makeup. Apparently, in this neighborhood, makeup is a sign of materialism and shallowness. Interesting perspective, but my eyeliner is doing you a favor, punks. You don’t want to see these eyeballs clean.

5. I drive a KIA. Not only that, it’s an SUV. I feel like a complete a-hole every time I hop in.

6. I work in marketing and George Carlin hates me for that. Here, one must be one or more of the following to be cool: artist, musician, video producer, architect, actor/actress, director, chef, social worker, poet, writer, coffee shop owner, vegetarian, vegan or bike repair-person.

7. I have a blog.

8. I listen to Owl City when I run sometimes. Also Enya. Occasionally Yanni. Just kidding. Sort of. But not really.

9. I smile in pictures. This is death to cool in the hipster world.

10. I post photo albums on Facebook. Also, I tweet.

11. I like American / velveeta cheese. And typing that out made me hungry.

12. I have a sweet SLR camera but have no idea how to use it.

13. I feel like high-fiving someone when I successfully parallel park.

14. My obsession with my cat drives me to: let him have my pillow, drink my milk when I’m not done with it, sit on my chair when I’m not done sitting in it, walk on my computer as I attempt to use it.

15. I feel like high-fiving fellow runners when I run past them on Logan Boulevard.

16. I can speak fluent Ewok.

17. I use a Crest SpinBrush (r) and tell everyone about it.

18. I make terrible / boring lists explaining why I’m a destined nerd.

19. I went to Medieval Times for my 28th birthday.

20. I think Lady Gaga is awesome.

About Kristi Zimmerman

When I'm not navigating the interwebs as an internet marketing consultant, I'm either participating in a community theater production, running a local race, scoping out new Indie music or playing fetch with my cat, Bruce.
This entry was posted in Snafus. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Nerdisms

  1. says:

    GREAT post! As my neighbor once said of me, “you’re not a poser”, meaning, I guess, that I’m not going to follow any crowd just because it’s the “cool” thing to do. I admire you for sticking to your guns and being who you are, and doing what makes you happy. I also admire your knowledge of Ewok…the Ewokian people should never be forgotten.

  2. Tara says:

    The definition of a hipster is a person who follows the latest trends and fashions (Google). It’s funny to me that people in your area want to be trendy but by following these trends they are really just conforming to what everyone else is doing. To me, what you call “nerdy” is in fact the coolest part of you and anyone else would be crazy if they didn’t agree. If you took a survey and asked these so called hipsters what they thought of 80′s movies, would they agree that they’re awesome? If they didn’t, then I think they are straight up lying to your face. NO ONE, doesn’t like 80′s movies!!! If they’re lying that just means they are fake, which means they further suck, which means they are all going to lose one of their limbs and then there will be a bunch of one legged, one armed, one eyed hipsters running around pretending to not like 80′s. OMG, you may need to warn them! Please tell your hipster friends to watch their limbs. That is so sad….well who knows…maybe prosthetics will become the new trend.

    Hipster Hater

    p.s. I really don’t hate hipsters, I’m in love with several right now

  3. Charlene Zimmerman says:

    You cry when your feelings get hurt. Your mother totally gives in.

  4. says:

    I spotted a flaw in your logic of the un-cool ~ aren’t you also an ACTOR?

  5. says:

    I heard that the Ewoks got wiped out when the debris from the blowed up death star all entered the forest moon’s atmosphere

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s